Downward On

The last past week has been pretty rough. I found out that I failed the program because I can't code properly to get the applications working. I worked so incredibly hard to get through the project's mechanism and complete the assignments. Getting it to work is another story. I didn't finish them all and handed in what I could. Deadline was met with half an hour to spare. So the professor's assessment was based on my ability to get a random number between 1-5. I couldn't get it to work in AS3. So I failed and won't be getting a diploma from the IMM program. That's a tough thing to swallow. I look back to the past year as very trying times. Classmates with dominant personalities who treated me with absolute disdain because I was the weakest link in class, and they consider what I do professionally to be absolute fluff and irrelevant. The lack of academic support along with other factors that just made that whole year very difficult to say the least. I haven't felt this uncomfortable in the classroom since I was bullied in kindergarten and was targeted by the office bully when I had my first and only job-which I refused to be a victim of.

In the years leading up to this decision to take on the program started with my former business partner who openly told a client at a meeting that I'm technically incompetent. The flippant expression was just too much. Yes she was a Flash, design and technical guru who could pull off just about anything and she had some serious issues that needed professional attention. I was the art-business director who understood what the clients wanted and knew how to develop a lean mean working communication system machine for them that also communicated their brand ideals with crystal clarity. In the past few years I have been getting more and more request for work that went beyond my skill set in flash and coding. On top if it all I really want to move into motion graphics as that was something that I was very passionate about since I worked as a production assistant prior to going to design school. It was time to grow and bone up on my biggest weakness, my inability to code. Armed with a passion for learning and some financial support from my parents, that roughly added up to about $7grand (CND) in tuition...yes, $7 grand for 1 year's worth of disorganized bombardment of lessons, assignments, exams at a manic pace that makes juggle beats sound like a mellow snap happy pop tune from the 50's. Young millennial classmate fresh from convocation ceremony who sat near me and gave the cold shoulders because they didn't liked that I didn't blindly agree with how they saw things. I noticed them sneering at me when they thought I wasn't looking. Yes that made for the ripe condition for any sane person to want to stay in class. I can't dismiss that there were wonderful people who encouraged me to stay with the program and helped me when they could. They were few and far in between.

I can't code and won't be receiving a graduate certificate. Concerned and supportive friends gave me the best pep-talk and sent me their vote of confidence, trying to remind me how I've survived past disastrous moments. The notion of failure just made all those awards and competitions I won then seem so useless. At such a low point, I kept wondering to myself what can I honestly say that I've achieved up top this point? All my friends believe in me so blindly, I think they're all fools for it because I can't see it. I can't relate with them on this matter. While everything is still raw, all I want to do is to lie back on my bed and read voraciously; cocooned among my computers, books and blank pieces of papers and other implements to vent my thoughts with. Crying is too exhausting. So what's next? I really don't know. All I know is I have to pay my bills next month.

Cruelty of this situation is knowing that my detractors has won this round. Fueling my inner critic to get at what is left of my self-esteem.

On And On.

On top of learning to program. I’m also trying to figure out how to use Spry in Dreamweaver to help me deliver a dynamic navigation and gallery without the use of a database. Yea, it’s been interesting and frustrating so far. I have been wrestling with a table set up in html and entering it as a data set in a Dreamweaver template. The application won’t import the table as a spry object because it isn’t styled. I think I need to step away from it for a bit.

Another thing to work on is a Flash portfolio site with a database. Fun!! I think I need to sit back and rescramble my brain for a bit with some back issues of IDN or play with a mechanical paper lamp idea.

As I progress in getting to know Flash a bit better to get a handle on the newish motion editor. I find that it has been crashing quite a bit and Adobe would like you to write a report to recreate the crash. I wasn’t too happy about that while I’m still wondering in dismay at how much work I’ve lost.

Alright..I’ll get my focus back in a bit. There is just so much to do. Focus. Focus. Focus.

Section 2, Chapters 4-6

Whoa Nelly!! This is the part where you learn about the logic and decision making. This section covers Variables, Conditions and Loops. I keep skipping ahead to see what else I’m covering, just in case you’re curious, section 3 covers Functions and Objects-it’s not slim reading either.

I’ve been sick and injured the last couple of days and I’m also dopped up on a new medication so, I’ve been reading in the doctor’s waiting room and I haven’t been able to go over the exercises. I got stuck on exercise 4-3, where you recreate what appears on the screen shot by changing the variables. I tried a few things and struggled with how one achieves it rather than what I do to execute it. the language is simple enough to figure out…but the programming logic is something that I struggle with.

I’ll do another post to let you know how I’m doing with the rest of the chapter. So far, when I was in school and learning about variables, you learn what it is and how it can be applied to a simple program. However, you don’t learn the extent of what variables can do and how it can alter your program. Sure it is a hassle to declare all of the variables that you want to be changeable. But it creates an opportunity to alter the program to create some very creative outcome. Processing is this regard. I learned about variables in AS3, it’s pretty dry, yet very important.

Alright, I need to finish up some grunt work...updating changes to a navigation for a website. Fun! I can’t say that with a smile. Hey, it pays the bills.

Blogging for What It Is...Struggling to Learn How to Program

Alright, the marking is done…I can now say anything I want here within reason. If you happen to read it, I hope you enjoy it.

Yes I am a designer and am trying to learn how to program. It has been a tough struggle with everything else that I juggle with on a daily basis (like handling my own clients, projects, etc). While I was in school I got to learn the fundamentals, like what a variables, loops and condition is-Object Oriented Programming language (like ActionScript 3, Java, Processing) is all a bit too much to take in while learning about AJAX, javascript, css, php and mySQL. This has been a huge learning curve for someone who is trained to think very subjectively. This kind of logical language is very daunting. So I’m using Processing as a basis for learning how to program properly as the author is an experienced computer science professor at NYU, Daniel Shiffman he has clearly translated his introduction to programming into his book, Learning Processing, A Beginner’s Guide to Programming Images, Animation, and Interaction.

What I had always struggled with in class, was trying understanding what happens to all those data that creates the cool animations and effects in AS3. After constantly sitting in class and just not getting it, frustrating the professor and myself. I got a tutor. He got me started on the fundamentals, like comment the process. Think in layman’s term what you want to accomplish and the logical steps it takes to make it happen. After that you start thinking about it in loops and condition. That wasn’t enough for me. I needed to understand the basis of the language, the theoretical parts and cogs that makes the machine work. From here I can apply it to any scripting and programming languages.

The only reason why I’m doing this is because I am driven by the need to understand how things work. This blog and twitter posting will chronicle where I am at in this journey to get my assignment done and demystifying the nature of programming.