Downward On

The last past week has been pretty rough. I found out that I failed the program because I can't code properly to get the applications working. I worked so incredibly hard to get through the project's mechanism and complete the assignments. Getting it to work is another story. I didn't finish them all and handed in what I could. Deadline was met with half an hour to spare. So the professor's assessment was based on my ability to get a random number between 1-5. I couldn't get it to work in AS3. So I failed and won't be getting a diploma from the IMM program. That's a tough thing to swallow. I look back to the past year as very trying times. Classmates with dominant personalities who treated me with absolute disdain because I was the weakest link in class, and they consider what I do professionally to be absolute fluff and irrelevant. The lack of academic support along with other factors that just made that whole year very difficult to say the least. I haven't felt this uncomfortable in the classroom since I was bullied in kindergarten and was targeted by the office bully when I had my first and only job-which I refused to be a victim of.

In the years leading up to this decision to take on the program started with my former business partner who openly told a client at a meeting that I'm technically incompetent. The flippant expression was just too much. Yes she was a Flash, design and technical guru who could pull off just about anything and she had some serious issues that needed professional attention. I was the art-business director who understood what the clients wanted and knew how to develop a lean mean working communication system machine for them that also communicated their brand ideals with crystal clarity. In the past few years I have been getting more and more request for work that went beyond my skill set in flash and coding. On top if it all I really want to move into motion graphics as that was something that I was very passionate about since I worked as a production assistant prior to going to design school. It was time to grow and bone up on my biggest weakness, my inability to code. Armed with a passion for learning and some financial support from my parents, that roughly added up to about $7grand (CND) in tuition...yes, $7 grand for 1 year's worth of disorganized bombardment of lessons, assignments, exams at a manic pace that makes juggle beats sound like a mellow snap happy pop tune from the 50's. Young millennial classmate fresh from convocation ceremony who sat near me and gave the cold shoulders because they didn't liked that I didn't blindly agree with how they saw things. I noticed them sneering at me when they thought I wasn't looking. Yes that made for the ripe condition for any sane person to want to stay in class. I can't dismiss that there were wonderful people who encouraged me to stay with the program and helped me when they could. They were few and far in between.

I can't code and won't be receiving a graduate certificate. Concerned and supportive friends gave me the best pep-talk and sent me their vote of confidence, trying to remind me how I've survived past disastrous moments. The notion of failure just made all those awards and competitions I won then seem so useless. At such a low point, I kept wondering to myself what can I honestly say that I've achieved up top this point? All my friends believe in me so blindly, I think they're all fools for it because I can't see it. I can't relate with them on this matter. While everything is still raw, all I want to do is to lie back on my bed and read voraciously; cocooned among my computers, books and blank pieces of papers and other implements to vent my thoughts with. Crying is too exhausting. So what's next? I really don't know. All I know is I have to pay my bills next month.

Cruelty of this situation is knowing that my detractors has won this round. Fueling my inner critic to get at what is left of my self-esteem.