My Sisyphean Labour

The last couple of weeks have been wonderful. The evenings are spent on leisurely pursuits like an apple cake baking at midnight. Feeding my tv addiction with shows like the Ghost Whisperer, NCIS, and anything fun or interesting. The day time is spent being surly at my computer struggling on my website design. It is the worse when you're designing for yourself and having high expectation becomes another excuse to procrastinate.

I bought a book on Procrastination by Jane B. Burka and Lenora M. Yuen and had a dose of reality check. Looking back to my formative years I can now spot how I used to make excuses and procrastinated because everything had to be just so. I worked my bum off with long hours at the library reading through tomes to cite for references and defend my argument on essays that were always about 50 words shy of meeting the minimal word count. These essays and other big assignments were always handed in late because I was a perfectionist who also had serious issues with having my work presented just so. Yep, like any neurotic those anxieties held back my progress and life successes. In hindsight I am strangely aware of how I am fallng into old patterns and jeopardizing my future net worth by this inexplicable need to make things perfect. Or having a progression of activities to manifest at certain order. I'm not sure if this is a personality issue but dang...it's frustrating. Fighting with one's self to try to move on forward with my life but nothing short of an exercise in futility.

For the time being I'm juggling with several projects right now-two will hopefully come to an end soon so I can invoice and get paid. I can't help wondering if this blog is also another Sisyphean labour. Things to be done because since bills have deadlines too. But my website is like a monkey that never takes a vacation. I must get it done so I can get a job. Who is going to hire a designer who doesn't showcase their work-unless they're famous? To quote a past title, "Looking good isn't enough". In my mind's eye, it has to be perfect. This neurotic twitch isn't getting me any result. I know all designers struggle with their own websites who knows this could be a subconscious indication that I don't want any professional success in my life. Oh, silly aspirations.